Tuesday, February 12, 2008
For some reason, I can't get to sleep tonight despite being exhausted with all of the chinese new year festivities and weekend work schedules.
Probably the reason is because of experiences.
I have never cherished most of the things around me until an event suddenly strikes me. However, common to human nature, it is always too late when we have realized the most crucial of things.
Its not that I do not want to cherish, Its not that I do not want to hold dear. Its something within me. No matter how hard I try to control it, I can't.
Take chinese new year's for example. I have broken off relations with my dad since October last year. I have treated him as a non existent person, I have treated him as dead. For once more than 10 years, he has stayed at my grandma's house all the way. I can sense that he is trying... Yet, I am still quite certain that I will not even look at him. In fact, I have even thrown his red packet to me onto the floor...
My heart wants to accept everything and forgive everything... but my head can't.... to be honest, I really hate myself for being like that... Why? Can I only react only when he is dead?
Being Too independent is without a doubt, good for the individual... but it also makes the individual heartless...
Vday is approaching... I do not wanna make plans for that day.. Neither do i wanna think about that day now... What for? Its merely just another day...
I have not cherished the best relationships that I had gotten myself into before. Likewise, its the heart that always feels for the other party, etc. but the brain always breaks and shatters everything... Can I really regain some of my emotions again?
Now, I really have my mind set. To be honest, I am not ready for a stable relationship.. not now, not in 2 years time even... I really do not wanna make anymore foolish mistakes...
Sometimes, I really do get a stage when I just wanna give everything up... But then I think, despite all that I have been through.. there is still so much that i wanna experience... I have died and came back to life once before.. Lets not make this time a wasted one...At least for now before I really go for my heart transplant...
Mesmerized within time...
2:34 AM
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