Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Months have passed. I am seriously tired of trying any further. I do realize that it is futile in the first place to even have that thought. No worries though. I have seriously given up all possible emotions with regards to human affection. Work is seriously the only thing on my mind now. I no longer have any time to get the things that you would like, let alone have a long chat with you. Don't you think that things have changed compared to the past?
Things now are different. We no longer talk as much, irritate each other as much and laugh as much. I now sit along my room's couch, listening to the same few piano songs that I used to play and I could only hope that you could be happier. Probably the things I have done have always been insignificant. Probably it still is. Nevertheless, no worries as I will forget all of these memories soon. From this moment on, I shall disappear. Wish you the best for the future...
and its just like the wind....
PS: You seriously lead a blessed and fulfilling life. It is something that I can never experience.
Goodbye.
Mesmerized within time...
3:13 AM
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Sometimes, to get things done, you have to be heartless.
The way you handle your responsibilities tells a lot about your work style and how far you can go. Screwing it will only influence and damage your credibility.
Respect is always earned. Remember that well. I do not have a lot of time to entertain all of your requests. I can be nice. Don't go over the line.. I will really blow up on you no matter who the fuck you are.. I believe my tolerance level is already quite good.. You do not wanna piss me off..
Remember this well...
Mesmerized within time...
12:16 AM
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
The breeze of summer has long been forgotten. However, the leaves of autumn has filled up the hearts of the heartbroken. Autumn has always been treated as a season for broken souls to plunge themselves in. The soothing winds of Autumn has always provided a solemn venue for depressed souls to break free. Break free of all devoid feelings and move on. Move onto a new season of Winter, where they can finally indulge themselves in the upbeat moods of Winter.
I have included pictures of an Autumn midnight. It was taken after a rainfall. Once again, I have teared upon the rain's arrival. Walking amidst the rain has always been amazing as it always brings me back memories of walking in the rain with her. However, that would never ever happen again. Memories are always nice to look back, but painful to carry with. I have let go of those memories, but not those recollections.
Once again, Thanks for the memories....
What comes to your mind as you look at this image? It was taken outside my place at 12am.
From Gentle,
To unpredictable....
Mesmerized within time...
11:23 PM
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Constant late nights at the office has become a norm for me. Probably because I just wanna escape from all that's happening at home? Some things I really can't choose to ignore. However, some things would never change no matter how hard I try. I sincerely would not want to believe in fortune telling. However, every single thing that is said by the fortune teller always comes true. That is a point where one could only choose of either going with it, or against it. I have always tried my best to go against it. A reason may be because of my stubborness to always have absolute control over my own life.
I've cut myself to see how much I could possibly bleed. But i stopped as soon as I saw my mum. The forever fragile, forgiving lady whom I could only tear whenever I see her. Taking so much torture from my dad and neglect from myself. Somehow, it goes down to my brother. The one and only force that could possibly bind this family together. To be honest, I really regret not being able to speak as much to him as I wanted to. Now, with all of this pain, I really do not know how to face him. I seriously do not want him to become like me probably. He has seriously too much potential. To be honest, he could be what I have always wanted to be.
But, I have chosen my work over my family. To be honest, this is a decision which I sincerely regret. Now, if I had a choice, I would choose to turn back the hands of time. I kind of realize now that there are sincerely things that money can't buy. I seriously love and miss my Mother and my Brother.
Work has made me neglect my friends. Made me neglect her. Could I just die now? For now, I just hope that if I die, she would take some time off her schedule to come. To be honest, I really wonder how many people will come to my funeral. Probably none. Sad? Maybe, but its a possibility.
I miss her.
Mesmerized within time...
10:04 PM
I recall what happened after I broke up with her. A strong feeling of isolation and confusion really struck me hard. Why? you may ask, we technically did not break up at all. Its like those scenes in the movies whereby its been forced. True, I may not be a millionaire's son, I would probably never ever afford a Lamborghini to drive her around at. But its the feeling that bound me and Rachel together, just as her mum and dad did. After we have been seperated by the glass pane of the airport, something seriously struck me. Growing up and experiencing such emotions of loss was seriously insane, especially at an age of 17.
I recall myself going to that place and reminiscing on all of the memories. I just could not let go. Probably one of the most time wasting stuffs that I have done would be to walk from my house to the airport, going to our spot and just stare at space, rain or shine. It took me a few months before I was back to my cheery self. That was the time where I was able to let go finally.
Memories are always nice to hold on to. It is the same way to how scars remind you of certain things better. Mutual understanding between couples is always essential. Probably my dad will never understand that. My mum has mentioned to him before that she may have cancer. However, my dad still does not care. I still do not understand how he could be so heartless. True, I have made a mistake by provoking him after he said that but still, she's your wife. From today onwards, I do not have a Father anymore. He has officially died 2 nights ago. Now, I only worry for my brother.
Trying to be happy is sometimes hard. However, I seriously do not want anyone to worry. Its just not worth their time. The person that I kinda need the most will never be there for me. That will be a fact that will never change. The only thing I can do now is...?
Mesmerized within time...
9:35 AM
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Judging the way things are going now, I seriously hope I do not get myself into a state where I would go into either Isolation or suicide. As previously logged, the only place I feel at home is in my room. Parents bickering. Things have just escalated beyond the boiling point. They are going to divorce. Sense just would not go into my dad's ego. I kinda lost quite a lot of blood just now, not fighting against him but rather, self-inflicting it on myself.
She also does not seem to care still. I kinda need someone now, especially her to help me get back up to my feet. However, she really does not care. She is really blessed. Seriously. But till date, I still feel that I am just a toy and an instrument for her. Maybe cause of I can give her some of the things that she desires? I have always strived to be there for her. However, I think that probably she can never be there for me. Just a one way thing. Or even she just wants to use me and stuffs. Probably she really thinks the same way. Maybe I am better off dead earlier.
Mesmerized within time...
12:07 AM
Monday, October 08, 2007
These are the few shows I am doing right now.
Kia Roadshow (25th - 29th October)
Sony Interior @ Sim Lim Square (November)
Hitachi Product Launch @ Ritz Carlton (November)
Bridge Mobile Concept Launch @ Cafe Del Mar (November)
Temasek Polytechnic Open House 2008 Tender (January 2008)
Volvo Aero @ Singapore Airshow (February 2008)
Honda Accord 8th Generation Launch @ National Museum (March 2008)
plus many more pending jobs... =(
I hope I can celebrate my bday for the first time in 4 years!!! LOL!!!
Mesmerized within time...
11:22 PM
Sunday, October 07, 2007
One message from my previous her and my whole mood has been altered.
One message from my mum which the doctor sent her has changed my optimism. Do the op or 6 months left to live.
Probably I shall be cruel and say this. The one and only gf I had who went on to Canada, could still affect me so much. It kinda sucks.
Yet cruelty has got on to me and I have to go for an operation.
Cruelty has made me smoked around 12 ciggarettes in a go.
Boon may say fortune tellers are fortune tellers. To that, I agree. I have constantly tried ways to change my fate. However, its futile in the end.
To be honest, I sincerely do not know who will care or even come to my funeral.
Mesmerized within time...
12:47 PM
Friday, October 05, 2007
So what am i supposed to do now?
Its tiring to hold everything together. Tiring to try to maintain everything. I guess my room is my only sanctuary within my house. The living room aint so warm as before Everyone leads their own lives. I'm so tired of everything that I have chosen to live by myself. Tired, yet I work myself out to fatigue and push my limits further than my body can take. Yet, I still managed to pull it through. There is nothing that can't be accomplished if you would just only try. Just an effort.
But I have met a roadblock. Indeed, the past constantly comes back. I still can't forget her. But I can now. However, the motivational factor ain't gonna happen just like that....
I can only keep on trying. I can only keep on waiting. I can only keep on hoping.
Just as the song of "Kirara" goes, just as how the melody of "Wish to Wish" goes, just as how the lullaby of "Like the Wind" goes, my heart would just follow accordingly. My soul wishes to return back to Japan. But my heart is reluctant. Reluctant because of one person.
If only I could turn back the hands of time and move to Tokyo after high school, I wonder how different my life would be? Probably a composer by now? Probably. Just Probably.
Perhaps I put my trust too easily in people. I sincerely detest weaknesses. Especially that of my own.
Onto another chapter of my life. Though I see the end coming, I still feel like putting so many more chapters into it. God, please give me more time.
Mesmerized within time...
12:08 AM
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
She said im a naughty boy livin in this naughty world cause i cant get enough of that yeah!
Its a new inspiration for writing new rap music... No more emo songs... Its the high life!
I have decided... its just only her.. =D
Mesmerized within time...
10:58 AM
Monday, October 01, 2007
Time and time again. When will he finally change? Just as it had stopped, it began. Too much disappointment, too much pain, too much sadness. Regret is futile. What's done is done. It has gone too far. There is no need for any more explanations. He will not defend himself nor will he even try to explain anymore. What he will do or can do is just to simply comfort slowly but gradually. There would be changes.
Since it all started, to the trips home, to the down periods, he was there. Somehow, he has seen you cry too many times. He justs wants to be there. Always. There is a solution. Probably, only one solution. A fortune teller once told him, together with your early death, you would take many hearts with you. However, they are broken. Utter grief and sadness would fill the air.
Once again he has put in his whole soul into his work. Working day and night without a purpose, without a target. Why does he work so hard? Why is he so dumb? Probably because he wants to give the best possible life for the both of them.
He can only wish that it would work out soon.
Would the flame die off? or would it rekindle under a different candle. Funny as it seems but, the flame is reluctant to move to another candle.
You would never know this but, He seriously has strong affectionate feelings for you.
Noone would understand this entry i guess. Noone.
Mesmerized within time...
3:42 PM
