My inner sanctum.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

WOOT! LOL! shit... i think I am starting to have sth for older women.. O_O!!!!

NOT THOSE 40+ LA!!!! those ard 23-25 years old category... WOOO!!!! LOL!!!!!

I think its cause of the work environment I am in.. LOL!!!!!

Mesmerized within time...

10:52 PM

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

I am gonna share whats purely in my mind now.....

There are countless times where i have chosen not to say certain stuffs. There are certain times when i choose to remain quiet and not react to certain stuffs.

There are always endless words, rumours being spread ard like wildfire... Things that I do just get taken for granted. Its sometimes sad to give in so much, just to get back little. I do know that I have quite a tough life ahead of me as it was prophesized. Not having a complete body is already bad enough. Doing so much to my physical limits for you just to get spat at back is quite a bummer. I always feel like flaring up and do rash things. But as I have said, they are still rash things. My tolerance for pain has always been quite high.

Why?

Because I have already been numbed by all emotions... What has happened since she left has got me to realize that there will always be certain things that we cannot let go of. Since the beginning of this year, the chain of events has led me to have the mentality that love is nothing but a game. I have already lost all emotions for human affection. I really do hate myself for losing all of those emotions.

Things i said that I did not do, i have not done it. Things that I did, I do admit them. The only problem is to whom i reveal it to. A new lady has just entered my life. She is 4 years my senior. Yet, despite how much she will be putting in, I will still feel numb. Numbed by everything.

Sometimes I just wanna kill myself. Let the blood drip. Yet, thinking of what I need to do, has persuaded me otherwise. I have closed up my mind before. Its extremely painful. The art of manipulation is just too disgusting for me to take. Disappointment of you not being able to realise the apparent truth on your side, has brought me to realize, and probably to suspect what the hell you have been thinking and saying all along.

This may be my last entry alive. Probably. if I manage to stay positive and get through this week. If i dun, I would most probably be letting myself bleed to death... Since so many feel that I do not deserve to live. I shall take the shortcut to appease many. Soon... Definitely.... Soon.... People would be happier at least? =]

Mesmerized within time...

12:24 AM

Thursday, May 24, 2007

wah lau eh... as my title says...

When you said that I could even go to other gal's house to cook for them i zi tao dun wanna give a damn alr sia... If you wan me to help you save your shit I will help... What i told you is final and true... wadeva you wanna believe just go and believe la... If you are so easily manipulated just like that so be it. You are already biased againstme from the start... You know very well that I wun say certain stuff... so do wadeva you wan,say wadeva you want la... i bo hiu liao...

On a lighter note, I AM DATING A GAL WHO IS DRIVING A HONDA INTEGRA!!! LOL!!!!!
$_$!!!!

Mesmerized within time...

10:30 PM

Friday, May 18, 2007

I believe many people are quite aware that this time is for elections!

As noone really comes here as it is technically a private blog, I just wanna wish everyone who is running good luck! =]

In the previous years, elections were still quite diplomatic. However, this year, things have suddenly got ugly. People whom were so close last time, BSC's sub comm, somehow, have quite a big division between themselves and program comm. I shan't say who is creating conflicts, etc.

I have begun to reflect why I ran for elections last year. One of them was to create an impact in Business School. Another was to achieve the CCA merit award. A realistic reason would be to test my capabilities in an organization like BSC. To be honest, I have made it out quite well. However, the thing i HATE about myself now is with a rather stony heart and a far too realistic mindset. Indeed, these will make me succeed in the corporate environment. However, I just realized my temper has just got worse.

As time went by, I had developed the mindset to trust noone but myself. My ability to manipulate words, behaviours and thoughts has brought me well around this quality. TO be honest, i even find myself sometimes to be scary. Why? You will tend to do everything by yourself.

I have observed quite a lot of stuffs. Thus, thats why I am really pushing all the way with Maybelle and co. I am seriously thinking in an extremely realistic frame of mind. You definitely need Ra-Ra people inside a committee to make the school vibrant. You need a confident leader who knows what they are doing and are mature enough. EXPERIENCE in the committee is nothing much than just advice. COMMITMENT and DECISIVENESS is yet an aspect which has to be cultivated.

People will definitely say things about others. I have personally experienced it so many times. All i can say is to believe only yourself. How you have experienced things, etc. You will have lost yourself once you succumb to just an individual's words.

As My quote goes:

Kill the Buddha as you see him, Kill the father as you see him.
Never be manipulated by anything. Just live life the way you are.

Beliefs are always one thing. Feeling the thing first hand is yet, another. Trust yourself.

Mesmerized within time...

11:47 PM

Saturday, May 12, 2007

The Art of seduction....

Nicole, I'm sorry for making you develop feelings for me... But i do realize i have to tell you the truth before its too late... I only treated you as a friend... thats all...

Its wierd as everything comes striking back at the same time.... Rachel called last night... screwed me up again... Just as i felt i forgot everything.... Memories start to come back.... She has finished her Degree... She may be coming back to Singapore.... She hopes she could be with me once more....

Thanks for making me confused once more..... DAMN!

Mesmerized within time...

10:38 PM

Thursday, May 10, 2007

I kinda recalled why I am able to create certain tunes so easily... Its a matter of closing up one's mind....

A few years ago, I kinda ignored all those ard me juz to churn out tunes... If you think I am unable now... Think again... =D

I've always wanted to go back to Shibuya... attend a music sch... probably be one of the millions of composer wannabes to follow into the footsteps of Yoshiki.... But i wanna stay... I have a feeling that i have not accomplished something / have something that i am attached to....

Meanwhile, inspirations for stories are coming into my head once more. =]

Mesmerized within time...

12:56 AM

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

I do not know why... but i dun feel sad... =]

Nicole says i deserve better...
Min says she misses the real me...
Natalie says she wanna whip me... LOL!!!!

and someone special... suddenly came to tell me this....

Its never hard to fall in love with you suddenly.... It always comes naturally.... Think about these words...

I have thought hard about it.... Thanks! =D

I do wonder why i still do stuff that i do...

Q is sad.... I feel sad if she is sad... I sometimes wonder why too... =/

ON a lighter note,

I WON SOMEONE IN BISHI BASHI!!!!! =D

Mesmerized within time...

1:30 AM

Friday, May 04, 2007

LOL! I just realized one thing.... This blog is supposed to be personal... But cause i do not know how to make it private... AH! nvm... LOL!

I am currently listening to this song called Heart of Glass by S.E.N.S.... quite an EMO piano piece!!! but its damn soothing! =D I kinda imagined the piano in front of me and then proceeded to play...LOL!!! It has really given me the inspiration to compose songs once more!

My supervisor would be away from Singapore from Monday till the 14th!!! LOL!!!! WOOOHOOOOO!!!!! =X But i have a pile of stuff to do cause of CommunicAsia!!!! sianz.... But its alright...

I am currently planning to spend Saturday at my sanctuary... regardless with company or not... LOL!!! I AM GETTING INSPIRATIONS TO COMPOSE AGAIN!!! LOL!!!

On another note, I gotta cut hair soon!!!!! my side burns are getting fuzzy wuzzy... -.- LOL!

OH YES! before i forget... zZz... HAPPY BDAY TO MISS LOU-LIN DESKER!! LOL!!! BDAY 2 WEEKS AGO!!! =X

and of course... BUI EH NO. 3!!!!! MAYBELLE!!! LOL!!!! all finally 18 le ah.... HAHA!!!

Anywho, I converse in Hiragana once more....

息もできないほど打ち拉がれしゃがみ込んだ歩き続けて来た道のまん中で
誰のせいでもなく情けない自分にいつか見たあの夢の破片が涙になる
粉雪が舞うような夜を抱きしめて　頬を濡らそう何も見えない暗闇の果てに　重なってく
傷ついた躰は時間の川で癒せるけどいつのまにか　見失った｢自分らしさ｣は過去の忘れもの
叶わない夢でも歩いてみたかった情熱で報われる孤独を信じていた
粉雪が揺れながら白く染めたこの夜の中で眠れないのは壊れそうだから
粉雪と舞うように夜を抱きしめて　頬を濡らそう何も見えない暗闇の果てに　重なってく
重なってく　重なってく

誰かに愛されたくて愛されなくて自分を愛せずにいた目を閉じるとまわりから全て何もかも消えそうだったさびしさをまぎらわそうと色んなことをした気付くとたった一人笑う事も忘れていたなんとなく分かってた昔見た夢は夢でしかないとつまらない事はしたくない背中を丸め地面を見て歩く日の光をあびない白い肌は疲れきっていた何をしていても時間は過ぎてゆく

LOL!!! that roughly sums up how i feel now!!! =D

Mesmerized within time...

2:15 AM