My inner sanctum.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Everything happens with an irony. My grandma passed on onto a new journey with our lord on Tuesday, the 11th of July (11/7/2006) at 7.11pm or (19:11). I can't really explain the time similarities but i am really thankful to our lord for letting me to be by her during her last few mins. nothing can really describe the anguish and shock that i felt when she had finished her final breath. I really wept my tears out with almost no end during the moments after her passing on. I will still say this, I love my grandma and thank you lord yet again, for all of the memories and blessing me with such a wonderful person whom has impacted my life.

It was at TTS hospital, a few days after her right leg was amputated. I was rather upset by the fact that she had to have her right leg amputated due to the doctor's probable mistake. The reason for this would be due to the fact that given her age, and her current condition, i was concerned that she would not be able to survive the operation. Miraculously, after praying deeply, she had seemed to gain a glimmer of light towards the path for recovery. However, the night before on Monday, everything changed. Her condition became from bad to worse. In addition, she had then fell into a coma where breathing seemed even difficult for her. I really began to have emotions of despair and sadness. I was actually melancholic the whole time even as i was seen smiling and joking. I reached the hospital at around 6pm and i had called upon her and stayed by her side as i would usually do. Having interesting conversations with my uncle and my dad was really a fun one as my uncle had made some funny jokes from his experiences in Thailand. However, laughter soon turned into tears as me and my uncle noticed the irregularities of her breathing patterns. A few moments later, she has left us to join God.

I was even furthur saddened as my uncle and my aunts told me that it must be that my grandma was only waiting for me as my other relatives who visited her, she did not really make any response or reaction to them but to me, she actually made a reaction. They also told me that she was waiting for me. It took little time for me to break down to my knees and cry again.

I know its quite gay as many people would say that i am quite a crybaby when it pertains to this issue but i do hope that people would understand that it is extremely painful to lose people that you are really close to and truly love. This applies especially even to people who share memories, laughter and experiences with you. I am still griefing over her departure even till today.

Back at school, i still do look cheerful and stuff as i do not want anybody to feel demoralised and dejected due to my emotions. I do realize that i am extremely fake but I always do that regardless of the situation because i want to see happy faces for everyone. I do not mind sacrificing for the benefit of others. I can somehow take it as i have been conditioned since young on how to handle certain situations like this. Therefore, i am quite strong when it pertains to this department.

Please do not as me if I feel sad or painful. I will never say i do so. Emotions are always hanging in my head and heart regardless of anything. However, I always make it a point to smile and bring happiness to everyone around me. That's just my personality. Yes, it is fake and an ass to do so, as i know certain people would say. But its just me. fullstop.

Sometimes i wish I was the one who would go so that i would not cause people trouble and make people feel irritated. Somehow, i feel that the world would be better without my existence. Just don't know why but that is probably how i feel. Sorry if I had made you angry, pissed or irritated. I am trying to change everyday before i do not get a chance to give you a good impression as i pass on soon as well.

Life has to move on. Yes. But someone has told me that crudely as i was grieving on a similar situation at the past. I would always go by the point of not judging people when you do not truly know them cause they will always surprise you. That's an old saying. But i just want people to realize not to assume you know something if you have not experienced it before. cause people will just hate you for that. A girl had told me once to move on with a family's passing, crudely. That is true. but Fuck you for that. You live an extremely good and blessed life with a good full family with almost no troubles at all. If you have no intention of being compassionate for a person who just lost someone they love, just shut the fuck up. I would not say that in front of any people. But i will just keep it in my heart. I might forgive, but I will never ever forget. People may think that i am an extremely fake person. But i am true and sincere in everything that i do. Its up to you to believe it or not.

Thank you to my friends and family who show me the concern that i really needed. I really appreciated it. Thank you once again. I will still smile regardless of what happens at the end of the day to you all. :)

Mesmerized within time...

1:30 AM